ARIES: Your lucky thing this month will be slippery and hard to hold down
TAURUS: Don’t let the drunken baggage handler of destiny put you on the Jetstar flight to Adelaide.
GEMINI: If you don’t stop rubbing it, it will never get better.
CANCER: This month your dream of becoming Conan the Unfortunate will come true, unfortunately.
LEO: In the 3 legged race of life you are the middle leg.
VIRGO: Place your pants in the overhead locker and return your seat to the upright position. Deviant.
LIBRA: You will finally realise that there is nothing at all funny about Pete Hellier.
SCORPIO: There’s an Emu out there that knows your name, but refuses to talk to you.
SAGITARIUS: You will be devastated to find that there is no chicken or salt in chicken salt, just the broken dreams of birds.
CAPRICORN: As your spiritual advisor I recommend that you buy a motorcycle immediately
AQUARIUS: You will finally accept that you were a prototype never considered for mass production
PISCES: Your dreams of becoming an Australian tennis pro will crash this month as you realize that you’re not wanker enough. Wank harder little fella. You can do it….