PISCES: No-one will take you seriously while you look like a muppet.
ARIES: Your lucky reflex this month will be “gag”.
TAURUS: Beware of invisibility.
GEMINI: We’ve found your sense of humour. It was behind the lounge.
CANCER: After reading this horoscope you will be slightly older.
LEO: I’ve no idea. Just do whatever.
VIRGO: It will finally dawn on you that hotdogs are neither hot nor dogs.
LIBRA: This horoscope is for rectal use only
SCORPIO: Stop being a dick.
SAGITTARIUS: Race 7… Number 9…. Do it now.
CAPRICORN: Immediately lend $20 to the nearest Sagittarian.
AQUARIUS: Something good may happen some day…. Maybe.