SAGITTARIUS: Your lucky smell this month will be fish taco.
CAPRICORN: This month you will get a Brazilian. His name will be Juan and he will steal your car.
AQUARIUS: For a brief moment everyone in Woy Woy will think that you’re dead sexy
PISCES: Your lucky porn star this month will be Jimmy (The Inny) Hardwick.
ARIES: Remember, a large Hawaiian is not always a pizza
TAURUS: Your totem animal this month will be the Wombat. The largest of all the bats
GEMINI: If you have one lasagna and you put a lasagna on top of it, you still only have one lasagna.
CANCER: You will briefly forget that thingo….again.
LEO: Well your Mum was right. It finally fell off. I hope you’re happy.
VIRGO: Congratulations, you will be just two people away from a threesome
LIBRA: You will find Jesus. He’s behind the lounge covered in dust and gum. You really should take better care of your deities.
SCORPIO: This month you will finally realise that it is your circus. They are your monkeys and all that poo is yours.